Down but not out...... a student's account of their first struggle with mental health problems.

National Student Money Week 2016 - Mental Health

I didn’t really notice it starting – the depression sort of crept up on me......

I had found my A’level year stressful, cramming, literally tearing my hair out at times (I realise there is a name for that now, trichotillomania but then I just did it to help calm the stresses).

Once it was all over I got my university place, scraping in through Clearing, but happy as the first girl in my family ever to achieve that. I was naive when going off to my city of study, but that sort of got me through all the changes. It was exciting and I was curious what this new life might hold. I covered my little bald patch and got stuck in :).

I left my long term boyfriend behind, he went to a different uni, we had been all grown up about that choice. We hoped we could make it work long distance.

I didn’t get a place in halls of residence so lived in private rented from year 1. By the February I had moved in to a little flat with my new found bestie from my course. Life was a laugh, we were learning life together & sometimes the hard way  how to be independent. Our accents, mine Northern hers Welsh would combine into the most delightful blend. Some nights we would laugh so hard it hurt and we didn’t even know why we were laughing. It was great being a student....

I didn’t get to go home much, I couldn’t afford it. My parents couldn't afford to help me with money so I was on a very tight budget. When I did make it home, there were sometimes troubles there that worried me. In the summer vacation after my first year my mum fell poorly and my dad struggled to cope and I seemed to suffer the brunt of his frustrations. Perhaps he didn’t like that his girl was grown up. There was a blow up fight and dad threw me out, my boyfriend came to rescue me and I spent the summer living with a relative. I didn’t realise it but I was slipping along that sliding scale into the grey zone....

My relationship didn’t make it through the summer. I was shouting at my boyfriend in the street about why it wasn’t working out for us, he didn’t understand, he thought it was, I wasn’t making sense. My arguments were going round and round, the ends not meeting to tie into a neat conclusion. Inside I wasn’t convinced by my own fervour, but something was making me sad and it had to be him right??

We split up and both headed back to university. I was numb, missed him but was convince it was for the best, the long distance had been stressing me. My housemate had split up with her long term boyfriend too – high five!! We are free, let’s have fun!!

Somehow though, I wasn’t feeling in the mood for fun. We started the year in a new rented place, not the best but it was cheap. We were heavily involved in a uni society and that kept us busy after lectures and some days were long, too long. Organising events around my study, living further out of town, cycling back and forth, I was exhausted.

At times I would feel like an observer....not involved in what was happening around me. Inside I was losing motivation, going to lectures was a chore, and I found it easy to persuade myself to not bother. I always seemed to be run down, getting viruses and infections so easily. I felt miserable.

Dad and I placed a fragile patch over our differences, I moved back in at home in theory, though I didn’t actually visit.  I started a new relationship with a lovely person, I felt sure all this would lift my chin. It felt good to be with him but it did nothing for my studies. I was still managing to keep on top of my course work so no one at uni seemed to notice. 

A student - model not author

All the Adrenalin that had driven me through my A’ levels seemed spent. When it came to exam time, I couldn’t find any drive or energy. I was on a mental go slow, what was I doing this course for anyway? It felt like a waste of time and money. In addition I was becoming fearful....of what I had no idea. Everything was making me anxious, I was frightened to be out on my own, and sometime to be in on my own. I went to the GP, who said I was down but didn’t really offer any solutions. I hadn’t reached out to anyone at the university to help; it was all inside me....what was wrong with me?!! I went on the fail nearly all my exams, a first for me, quite an achievement!

I know now what was wrong. My first taste of depression, sadly not my last, but with support, learning to understand it, seeing my depression for the illness it is, not taking it so personally, I found how to live with that sliding scale. I readily recognise the signs that were so unfamiliar to me then. I speak about it, I get help, I get better and I won’t be beaten by it.

If you struggle like I did at university then reach out to the support services. People are there at the university to help you. Speak to friends, they have probably spotted a change in you anyway, it’s okay to talk about it. If you notice a friend suffering then do them a favour, help them find support. It’s lonely on the inside of depression – don’t let mental health issues take your potential, battle depression and anxiety and win!!